It was the usual post-dinner dance party. Braelyn and Evie were holding hands, twirling around the kitchen, showing off their favorite dance moves. Braelyn is bossing “Alexa” around, telling her which songs to play. Mike and I are sitting at the dinner table trying to have adult conversations with each other, but also being told to “Wook at me mom” by Evie, and “Dad, watch this!” by Braelyn. We break eye contact with each other for a moment, to look over at our dancing girls and say “Wow! Good job!” Everyone is happy. And usually the happiness lasts for a while before the girls start arguing about whose turn it is to be on stage.
This little scene happens almost every night. But tonight, it was a little different. Braelyn asked Alexa to play “our song.” The one I sing to her. It’s Taylor Swift’s “Never Grow Up.” We’re both singing along to the chorus “Oh darling don’t you ever grow up, don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little.” Braelyn is resting her head on my shoulder, and I’m staring at my brown-eyed girl with awe and wonder. I love her. So much.
Suddenly Evie pulls her away from me, “Beeeee pay wif meee.”
Braelyn sweeps her up into her arms as they hug and twirl together. The sight of them being happy, giggling, enjoying something as simple as dancing in the kitchen to our favorite song is almost too much for me to handle. Especially right after the moment I just had staring into Braelyn’s eyes, and just seeing and feeling the love she has for me–her mom. I feel tears starting to form and realize that this, this is what happiness feels like. And if I had been distracted, or too into my phone, I would have missed it. I would have missed out on feeling joy.
I’ve started to realize how far and few between these precious moments are. Most of our days together are spent frantically trying to get out the door to school, or ballet, or church, or whatever it is the day is asking us to do. Most of our days together consist of stress. Stress of trying to get each other to listen to one another. Trying to get the girls to stop fighting over who owns what, or who hit who first. Most of my days are spent frustrated that my house is messy and full of clutter, and that the girls can’t clean up after themselves. Frustrated that there’s never quite enough money to go around, no matter how hard Mike and I are working. I’m usually sad that my house doesn’t look as good as the ones I see shared on Instagram and Pinterest. Or sad that I don’t get to travel the world like “The Bucket List Family” does. Or sad that my body doesn’t look quite as good in a bikini as that girl on Instagram. Do you see a pattern here?
Stress. Overwhelm. Sadness. Comparison. Frustration. Depression. Jealousy. These aren’t feelings I want to feel every day, but here I am, feeling them more often than I care to admit.
And when I see my girls dancing in the kitchen, and feel myself want to cry, I know THIS is what I want to feel every day. Contentment. Joy. LOVE. But how do I do that when life asks so much of me?
I don’t think I’m alone in this way of life. How many times a day do you feel joy? Are you content with your life, or are you always focused on what’s next? I have a tendency to focus, and even obsess about the future. I love making plans. I love trying to figure out what’s next. And maybe, when done correctly, it’s a good thing to be such a planner. But the problem is, I don’t always follow up on my plans with any sort of action. So really, it’s more of just constant daydreaming. That’s what the last, I’d say 4 years have been—just a giant daydream.
And this is what I’ve realized this past year–I’m not paying attention to my own life. I’m paying attention to the life I think I’m going to have later. I’m missing out on what’s happening right now–on enjoying the stage we’re in, and the ages my kids are.
That’s no way to live. At least, no way I want to live.
I’m done wasting my time. I’m done living in a mess that takes up energy and time in my life that I simply don’t have. Or buying things I simply don’t need with money that would be better spent elsewhere. I want to be more intentional in how we spend money. How we spend our time. How we live in our home. How we experience the world and life around us.
For a long time, I thought that I had to blog about pretty things and my life had to be perfect–my home had to be perfect to share it with others. I let that stop me from even trying, because I felt like my life was never perfect enough. I let it stop me from believing I had anything interesting to say. Who would want to follow me anyway? I’m not smart enough. I’m not pretty enough. Thin enough. Stylish enough. Eloquent enough. Just ENOUGH. Years of self-doubt and self-loathing caught up to me after I started this blog. And I hadn’t mentally prepared myself for that. So I posted twice, and then fear stopped me, and I stopped trying.
I’m trying again. Because I really can’t let go of this idea I have to share my journey to a more intentional life. Filled with more joy, more adventure, more fun, and more love. In sharing, I hope some of you out there can relate and can help me in return.
I want to talk about how to engage with your kids. I want to talk about debt and getting out of it. I want to talk about clutter, and how to get rid of it. I want to talk about love and how to feel more of it. I want to talk about what it means to take care of yourself and to know and love who you are. I want to talk about joy and what it takes to feel that every day of your life. All the things that I want more in my life, I want to share. And all the things I want less of in my life, I want to share.
The point is, we only have one shot at this life. And if we aren’t clear in exactly how we’re going to live, then 20 years from now, it will be more of the same. You’ll probably be wishing you could go back and live differently. I’m only 29 and I’ve already wished away quite a few years of my life and regret not doing certain things, but I don’t want to live like that anymore–that’s not why we’re here.
So here’s my reintroduction of sorts. I thought I was going to focus on home decor and fixing up a fixer upper, but I think I was meant to talk about this instead.
Still, don’t be surprised if home projects sneak their way in here…I know everyone loves a good “before and after” and I’ve got plenty of them :).
